FREAKING out!!!

I almost forgot to talk about this! So let's see...not last night, but the night before I completely wigged out. I live in a house that was built in 1936 (that's almost antique!) and for some reason my OVERactive imagination started thinking about the electricity in our home. I started to think hmm..how much of the wiring is original and how many wires are frayed, then it hit me...OMFG there are 10 things plugged into 2 outlets in the office!! All the wires on the ground in there are filthy and there are dust bunnies galore. Next i thought about the living room and wtf...there are 6 plugged into 2 outlets in there...my mind was screaming HELLO YOU DOUCHE! FIRE HAZARD!! while my mouth was saying calm down it's ok.

Well after contemplating this in my mind for about 20 minutes I finally started to cry and figured my mom will comfort me, so I called her up to my room. (now at this point I am just crying silently you know..."silent tears") The minute i try to tell my mom whats on my mind I completely lose it... I am sobbing and gagging and peeing my pants and choking on snot and the whole time what is my mother doing?! FUCKING LAUGHING. Anyways my mom gets me to calm down and she goes back downstairs after promising to turn off the computers so they don't catch fire and do I finally drift off to dreamland? Hell no...I sneak downstairs and grab every cleaning product I can fit into my grubby hands.

I don't know what had crawled up my ass but I realised my room is filthy dirty and I can't bring a baby home to a mess like this. So here I am scrubbing away at my already decently clean room muttering to myself about what a filthy pig sty the house is. And who comes up to see what I am up to? Yup, ding ding ding, my mother. So now I am bawling my eyes out about how dirty the house is and no baby can live in a place like this, and yup she's laughing again. Needless to say, I didn't get to bed until after midnight when I finished scrubbing my room.

Now I already talked about my poor dog today but after that episode I decided I must really need a nap, so I went upstairs and what happens my mom calls twice, then my dad calls (well my neighbor using my dads phone) and I lost it start bawling telling her I want everyone and their brother to leave me alone and what does she say? Can you go and feed Maggie and Ruby? CAN I DO WHAT?!?! NO I AM IN BED!!! So she gets all huffity as I am bawling my eyes out and now who calls? my aunt...mind you I have already been sobbing for approximately 10 minutes and now I have really had it. I start screaming inaudible words into the phone about how I don't want to be on the boat and I hate being pregnant and my life sucks and I want everyone to leave me alone...she can't understand me. Finally I get her off the phone and I proceed to cry for another 15 or 20 minutes then I pass the hell out. Now I have horrid heartburn, a puffy face and a headache. i guess it serves me right.

who does this?

Yeah, I was all excited to go out on my boat today with my family and eat shish-kabobs...or whatever the hell they are called...and I get home and what happens? My parents didn't bring my dog. Mind you...little Zoey is 16 years old and she LIVES for the boat. In fact the more I think about it...the only reason she's probably still alive is to get in another summer of fun on the boat. So I call my mom all pissed off asking her why the fuck she didn't bring Zoey and she says well...we didn't bring Maggie or Ruby, (neighbor's dogs), we are cooking, and there are 12 people out there. Um. what the fuck. Maggie and Ruby are big smelly (no offence) sometimes unruly German wirehair dogs who take of lots of room... Zoey weighs 12 pounds, she hardly begs, and she hangs out on the front deck of the pontoon. so honestly whats the big deal? So yeah, I chose not to go because I didn't want to leave my dog out of her favorite activity.

On a COMPLETELY different note. I found a book today at work called "The Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks. I started reading it and voila! I think we are gonna be attacked by zombies someday...I mean think about it? This book was so solid when it came down to the actual survival it was insane. But if (and when) we do get attacked by zombies guess where I am going to hide out? That's right...Cabella's. An abundance of guns, knives, camo, and shelter...that's the BEST place to go in my opinion. I may even be willing to share my hideout with a few special individuals. haha. Tomorrow is labor day...anyone want to take a guess if I will be in labor? wishful thinking I'm afraid

All work and no play!

So today (which is Friday) is actually my monday. Gag me with a spoon right? My job makes me want to sell my soul and go on a murderous rampage. I mean really...IT'S THAT BAD! First off I work for the shittiest airline known to mankind. They pretty much pay us peanuts and when you really think about it...everyone who flies this particular airline...thier lives are in my hands for 9 bucks a fuckin hour! Well at the moment my knocked up ass is "grooming." this consists of...walking around all damn day meeting planes at the gate. Then I get onboard, pick up all the "large trash" (newspapers, cups, etc.) go back to the lav, which is the fancy word for shitter, and empty that trash and restock with supplies ie. papertowels tissues and TP.

Well today someone onboard was incontinent (for those you who live in the dark ages this means...you can't hold it. You just piss and shit all over yourself) and I get a call on my handy dandy radio for "special grooming." For fuck sake...there is NOTHING special about this task. Usually it involves projectile vomit but today it was dun dun dun...URINE. This incontinent passenger pissed themselves silly and it leaked out of her diaper. So now my 9 months pregnant butt is on my hands and knees disinfecting seats! (and just so you know...airplanes are FILTHY. They NEVER get cleaned. You should never touch an airlines blanket pillow and avoid contact with the windows seats etc. In fact you should bring your own sanitizer and clean your seat before sitting down. I swear it is that gross.)

Anyways after tha escapade I lost all motivation to do anything else...so I sat in the break room and put my head down...after all I deserved it right? 12 days until due date people start prayin for a baby!

Let's talk about "natural"

Ok, so those who know me have figured out that I am VERY pregnant (38 weeks 1 day to be exact) and ever since my dumb Dr. has told me I am now "full term" I have tried everything to get this lil guy out! Let's talk about these "natural ways to induce labor" shall we?

1) Walking: are you fucking kidding me?!?! I have walked my fat ass off every stinking night for over a week and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. And when I say walk I mean 2 or 3 miles a night. I even went to the state fair for 4 hours and nothing... my fucking cervix didn't even change.

2) Castor oil: whoever this worked for is a lucky son ofa bitch. I tried this not once but twice! (this next bit is graphic...reader beware) Ok...so I drank 2 tablespoons mixed with a glass of apple juice and to be honest it wasn't bad I went about my night and eventually went to bed. Around midnight I woke up and SHIT my brains out. We are talking I had to use half a roll of TP. but any contractions?? Yes actually the next day, which I soon realised were just diarrhea cramps. My dumbass thought for sure I did something wrong so after coming home from work I decided to take 4 tablespoons!! ( am I a dumb ass or what?) Shortly after I again SHIT myself stupid, and the liquid coming out of my ass was so damn oily it was like an oil slick on top of the water. Well, that night I had to make a trip to the birth unit because guess what? Yup, completely dehydrated. Baby wasnt moving much and I overall felt like trash. So after getting hooked up to everything baby was fine, and I wasn't having contractions...I was having uterine irritability. But the Dr. on call said I was in early labor and I would be having a baby soon. Soon my ass its been 6 days.

3) Parsley: Oh my god what a waste and i will never touch parsley again. I heard that a lot of people give thier overdue rabbits parsley and they go into labor immediately. Now I know that I am no rabbit, but I like to do it like rabbits. I figured this was close enough. Nope. All I did was gag and throw up my salad.

4) Female orgasm: HAHAHAHA are you serious?!?! that just felt good. nothing more.

5) B & B Cohosh Tincture: The lady at The Vitamin Shoppe swore by this. 10 drops of blue cohosh, 10 drops of black cohosh into a glass of warm water. drink on the hour every hour until dinner. It hasn't done squat and it's super hard drinking glasses of warm water all day. It has made me feel weird and gassy (yeah I smell horrid) and it makes me feel like the baby is using the top of my uterus to push off of. No contractions, nothing.

The only other natural thing I can find is some good ol fashioned "makin love" too bad I don't have a partner or husband or anyone willing to screw a beached whale for that matter. I just am really really ready to meet this lil guy. How selfish am I?! I dont care if he's ready or not!! HAHA well, I will keep everyone posted...keep your fingers crossed that this happens soon!!

Hellow, Hello!

Alrighty then,
So I really can't guarantee this is gonna work, but my cousin in-law has made me REALLY want to blog. I'm gonna try it out and see how long i can keep up with it! (Really though my life is INSANELY boring)