Let's talk about "natural"

Ok, so those who know me have figured out that I am VERY pregnant (38 weeks 1 day to be exact) and ever since my dumb Dr. has told me I am now "full term" I have tried everything to get this lil guy out! Let's talk about these "natural ways to induce labor" shall we?

1) Walking: are you fucking kidding me?!?! I have walked my fat ass off every stinking night for over a week and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. And when I say walk I mean 2 or 3 miles a night. I even went to the state fair for 4 hours and nothing... my fucking cervix didn't even change.

2) Castor oil: whoever this worked for is a lucky son ofa bitch. I tried this not once but twice! (this next bit is graphic...reader beware) Ok...so I drank 2 tablespoons mixed with a glass of apple juice and to be honest it wasn't bad I went about my night and eventually went to bed. Around midnight I woke up and SHIT my brains out. We are talking I had to use half a roll of TP. but any contractions?? Yes actually the next day, which I soon realised were just diarrhea cramps. My dumbass thought for sure I did something wrong so after coming home from work I decided to take 4 tablespoons!! ( am I a dumb ass or what?) Shortly after I again SHIT myself stupid, and the liquid coming out of my ass was so damn oily it was like an oil slick on top of the water. Well, that night I had to make a trip to the birth unit because guess what? Yup, completely dehydrated. Baby wasnt moving much and I overall felt like trash. So after getting hooked up to everything baby was fine, and I wasn't having contractions...I was having uterine irritability. But the Dr. on call said I was in early labor and I would be having a baby soon. Soon my ass its been 6 days.

3) Parsley: Oh my god what a waste and i will never touch parsley again. I heard that a lot of people give thier overdue rabbits parsley and they go into labor immediately. Now I know that I am no rabbit, but I like to do it like rabbits. I figured this was close enough. Nope. All I did was gag and throw up my salad.

4) Female orgasm: HAHAHAHA are you serious?!?! that just felt good. nothing more.

5) B & B Cohosh Tincture: The lady at The Vitamin Shoppe swore by this. 10 drops of blue cohosh, 10 drops of black cohosh into a glass of warm water. drink on the hour every hour until dinner. It hasn't done squat and it's super hard drinking glasses of warm water all day. It has made me feel weird and gassy (yeah I smell horrid) and it makes me feel like the baby is using the top of my uterus to push off of. No contractions, nothing.

The only other natural thing I can find is some good ol fashioned "makin love" too bad I don't have a partner or husband or anyone willing to screw a beached whale for that matter. I just am really really ready to meet this lil guy. How selfish am I?! I dont care if he's ready or not!! HAHA well, I will keep everyone posted...keep your fingers crossed that this happens soon!!